Thursday, June 18, 2009

The Diagonal Steam Trap - by Crawford Howard

This is an Ulster classic. I found it on the computer tonight so thought I'd pump it up into internetland for anyone that's trying to find it. Apologies for the wee bits o coorse language here and there!

Now they built a big ship down in Harland's
She was made for to sell till the Turks -
And they called on the Yard's chief designer
To design all the engines and works.

Now finally the engines was ready
And they screwed in the very last part
An' yer many says 'Let's see how she runs, lads!'
An' bejasus! The thing wouldn't start!

So they pushed and they worked an' they footered
An' the engineers' faces got red
The designer he stood looking' stupid
An' scratchin' the back o' his head.

But while they were fiddlin' and workin'
Up danders oul' Jimmie Dalzell
He had worked twenty years in the 'Island'
And ten in the 'aircraft' as well.

So he pushed and he worked and he muttered
Till he got himself through till the front
And he has a good look roun' the engine
An' he gives a few mutters and grunts.

And then he looks up at the gaffer
An' says he Mr Smith, d'ye know?
They've left out the Diagonal Steam Trap!
How the hell d'ye think it could go?

Now the engineer eyed the designer
The designer he looks at the 'hat'
And they whispered the one to the other
'Diagonal Steam Trap? What's that?

But the Gaffer, he wouldn't admit, like
To not knowin' what this was about,
So he says Right enough, we were stupid!
The Diagonal Steam Trap's left out!

Now in the meantime oul' Jimmie had scarpered
- away down to throw in his boord -
And the Gaffer comes up and says 'Jimmy!
D'ye think we could have a wee word?

Ye see that Diagonal Steam Trap?
I know it's left out - it's bad luck
But the engine shop's terrible busy
D'ye think ye could knock us one up?

Now oul' Jimmy was laughin' his scone off
He had made it all up for a gag
He seen what was stoppin' the engine -
The feed-pipe was blocked with a rag!

But he sticks the oul' hands in the pockets
An' he say 'Aye, I'll give yez a han'!
I'll knock yes one up in the mornin'
An' the whole bloody thing will be grand!'

So oul' Jim starts to work the next morning
To make what he called a Steam Trap,
An oul' box an' a few bits of tubing
An' a steam gauge stuck up on the top.

An' he welds it all on till the engine
And he says to the wonderin' mob
'As long as that gauge is at zero
The Steam Trap is doin' its job!

Then he pulls the rang outa the feed-pipe
An' he gives the oul' engine a try
An' bejasus! She goes like the clappers
An' oul' Jimmy remarks 'That's her nye!

Now the ship was the fastest seen ever
So they sent her away till the Turks
But they toul' them 'That Steam Trap's a secret!
We're the only ones knows how it works!

But the Turks they could not keep their mouths shut
An' soon the whole story got roun'
An' the Russians got quite interested -
- Them boys has their ears till the groun'!

So they sent a spy dressed as a sailor
To take photies of Jimmy's Steam Trap
And they got them all back till the Kremlin
An' they stood round to look at the snaps.

Then the head spy says 'Mr Kosygin!
I'm damned if I see how that works!'
So they sent him straight off to Siberia
An' they bought the whole ship from the Turks!

When they found the Steam trap was a'cod', like,
They couldn't admit they'd been had
So they built a big factory in Moscow
To start makin' steam Traps like mad!

Then Kosygin rings up Mr Nixon
And he says 'Youse 'uns thinks yez are great!
But wi' our big new Russian-made Steam Trap
Yez'll find that we've got yez all bate!

Now oul' Nixon, he nearly went 'harpic'
So he thought he'd give Harland's a call
And he dialled the engine-shop number
And of course he got sweet bugger all!

But at last the call came through to Jimmy
In the midst of a terrible hush,
'There's a call for you here from the White House!'
Says oul' Jim, 'That's a shop in Portrush!'

There's a factory outside of Seattle
Where they're turnin' out Steam Traps like Hell
It employs twenty-five thousand workers
And the head of it - Jimmy Dalzell!